Why I'm Doing This

I wanted to be a writer when I grew up.

I had a narrow conception of what that meant—making enough from writing that it could be my only job—and while I’ve had a few things published over the years, I’d be surprised if my lifetime earnings has hit triple digits. I’ve been thinking about the aftermath of that dream recently, and while I’m still not sure if my writing is actually good enough to deserve monetary rewards, one thing has become clear: I don’t have the temperament to be an author.

That came as a shock at first, because the “lock yourself away from the world to think and type” part of the job has always come naturally, but the business side—networking relationships with other authors, agents, and publishers; researching and preparing submissions that will almost certainly end in perpetual rejection, all on the distant chance of summoning a miracle in the form of someone who likes what I have to say and thinks they could do something with it—I just don’t have the personality or the endurance for it.

So, where does that leave me? I still write fairly often, even branching back into poetry and personal essays, years after I thought I didn’t have anything to say in those formats. Writing makes me a more empathetic person; creating imagined scenarios makes me curious about the world and accepting of the people in it in ways that are still a struggle when I’m meeting and interacting with real live humans (and other corners of creation). If that’s all writing can be for me, it’s still worth it.

Here’s what I’ve been thinking: Instead of hoarding all my ideas and words because I can’t figure out how to do a capitalism with them, why not just put them out there, in case they might be interesting or useful for someone who exists outside of my head? And even if it doesn’t work out that way, I think I’m strong enough to handle that kind of passive rejection.

I’m not committing to a definite schedule, but I’d like to upload something once a week or so. I have several things written already and a few more ideas, so that will be easier to keep up at first.

Along with this introduction, I’m posting the poem that this project takes its title from. The next one after that will be about What Remains of Edith Finch.

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